Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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