I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's never too late to be topless.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
