i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
