Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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