He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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