He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
