I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
