just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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