when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
