Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Someone shit on the floor
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
