You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
