I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
