I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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