So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
