Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
