I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
