i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
