So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
