$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
