All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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