Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
