I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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