his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
