I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
