her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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