worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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