I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
