My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
