A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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