When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
