Whatcha textin bout Willis?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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