I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
