WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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