Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
