I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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