i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
another moral hangover. fuck.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
