I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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