I CAN MOONWALK!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
