A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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