His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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