remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
