my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want nice things and good sex
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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