i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
