I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
