It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
