Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
