I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
BRING THE BAGELS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
