He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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