Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
