Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
