I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
3 2 1 whiskey
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
