there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Alive.
So much puke
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
