I'm jealous of your bromance
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
